Miss Saskia-Chantelle Carriage and Mr Vince Process expectantly invite you to join them on their wedding day. The ceremony and celebration will begin on Friday 18th June, 2:30pm, in the Tenebrous Room at the Abaddon Hotel.
Miss Saskia-Chantelle Carriage and Mr Vince Process graciously enclose their gift list for your perusal. The final page caters for those guests who currently find themselves adhering to a budget. You may find that you want to peruse here first.
Miss Saskia-Chantelle Carriage delicately suggests that your girlfriend does not attend the day wearing green, saffron, violet, bronze or silver. Actually, Miss Carriage delicately suggests that your girlfriend does not attend the day at all.
Mr Vince Process insists upon your services as groomsman. Duties will include (but by no means be limited to) driving, fetching, carrying, general support and heavy lifting. He would like to remind you that you’re still in his debt. You owe him. He doesn’t want to go on about it, but you do.
Miss Carriage and Mr Process wish to resolutely confirm that, following the exhilaration of their respective Hen and Stag soirees, they are still getting married. No one’s pressing charges and many of those involved have now settled out of court. The ceremony shall proceed as planned. The wedding day will forge ahead regardless. So you’re not getting out of this.
Miss Saskia-Chantelle Carriage recognises that you like her. She’s caught you looking. She is not naïve to the effect that a woman of her allure can have on a man. She wants you to know that it’s never going to happen.
Miss Saskia-Chantelle Carriage and Mr Vince Process would like you to act as official camera man and archivist for the day of their nuptials. Polish those lenses and oil your equipment. They are expecting a professional service, not some shaky clips of drunken uncles captured with one hand on an iPhone. Remember that.
Mr Vince Process is keen to reference the many times he’s helped. The money he’s loaned. The solutions that have been achieved through his influence. You work for him now. Yes – this is what you do.
The happy couple invite you to perform an acapella rendition of Katy Perry’s “Fireworks” to accompany their first dance. It’s their special day. So you better be good.
Mr Vince Process bluntly dictates that the groom’s party acquire forearm tattoos which will spell out his name when presented in order. You’ll get the (admittedly unfortunate) pairing of “SS”. It will be a permanent reminder of this wonderful occasion. You’re welcome.
Miss Saskia-Chantelle Carriage and Mr Vince Process demand that you enjoy their wedding day, that you live their dream, that their happiness is the sun around which you orbit.
They wonder what choice you have.
The End.